Hallelujah for Blog 'Therapy'

Note:  What I have been writing may not exactly be what is in line for the assignments of Jessica's class.  But, they are necessary writings, for me.  I doubt I could do any assignments or use the plan to document the holidays, if I didn't.  I "work through" much of my 'stuff' when I journal.  I always have.  Before I got a PC I hand wrote a journal.  I have boxes of full journals!  I have really wanted to be able to 'work through' my issues with Christmas.  I have literally suffered every year over it.  This class coming when it did gives me rise to explore my feelings at a great time - right before those dreaded holidays.  I have set them aside for a long time because I have been afraid of the emotions.  With the class, there are so many kind people who help me, whether they know it, or not.  I feel that I could go to the boards with most anything if need be.  So, with that, this post has been a real turn for me.  "Blog Therapy"!  LOL  All is good.  I'm going in the right direction.  Thank you, everyone!  I want to thank those of you who have responded with kind words.

(There is a Christmas song video at the bottom of this post if you would like to listen to it now)

I'm thinking this year just might be different.  You know how music can make so many things 'alright'?  Well, quite by accident, I came across a Christmas song that is making a difference in how I see the holiday season.  I found it on someone's blog; it was on their music player.

It wasn't like it put me 'in the spirit' of the holidays.  Rather, it was a different type of feeling.  The song is "Christmas Vacation" from the movie, "National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation".  In the song, vacation from school, the best snowman on the block, the coolest lights and all the other delights, are the things that are cool.  "Fa-la-la and Ho-ho-ho!"

All my adult life, I have been trying to capture the spirit of the holidays.  The home decorating, the goodies, the dinner, gifts, everything one sees in a Norman Rockwell painting.  I wanted the beauty and the warmth, like all the pretty greeting cards.  I wanted to play Christmas music and put everyone in the spirit.  Eggnog and home-baked cookies in front of the fireplace, to me, is traditional, and that is what I wanted - tradition.  Or, was it?

Let's face it, I'm about as traditional as an Intel processor.  Oh, sure, there are some traditions that I carry from my childhood, mostly with the food and the treats.  But, I don't have a ballroom-sized living room to hold a 12 foot tree.  A three foot tree is overwhelming, mainly because we have a fireplace and it is a small room.  Bad combination, those conifers and fire!  Another thing, if people came caroling, I would probably call the cops.  I would not trust them, not where I live, in this day and age.  And, alas, because my house is so well-lived-in, I don't have decorations on every table top.  I did, at one time, but, most of them have been broken.

Just like the character in the movie, I was always trying my darnedest to pull off the best, old-fashioned holiday ever.  One year, I carefully hand colored some Victorian Christmas cards, using only the colors available in that period.   Only one person, out of 20, I believe, commented on theirs, and that was only after my husband mentioned to her that I had colored it by hand.

Then, I remember another time when, for some darn reason, I just couldn't get my pie crust dough right.  It was humid, I guess, and it just wouldn't roll out right.  I just couldn't use 'store-bought'!  That was, well, almost sacrilegious!   But, that is what I had to do, that year.  You know what?  It wasn't that big a deal.  Who, in my family, is going to eat a piece of my pie and say, "Oh, my!  You made your own crusts!"  LOL  Not going to happen!

What we did do during the holidays was hang out together.  The children got their vacation and we spent time with each other and friends.  We visited with some friends we may not have seen in a while.  For some reason, friends fall by the way side until the holidays.  Why is that?  So, Christmas, or not, and with the children home all day, the whole family and friends thing required 'goodies'.  Even if it was Rice Crispy Treats, there had to be a treat, or two.
 
 Click on image for recipe

 We have a few favorites, but, mostly, it was, who was I trying to impress, baking 5 different types of cookies, plus, layered fudge and divinity, which I always mess up?  Better Homes & Gardens magazine's photographers were not standing at the door waiting to snap photos of my gorgeous creations.  Far from it!  LOL  The offerings may not have looked like the picture in the recipe book, but, who cared.  They were so yummy they didn't last long, anyway.

One year, I decided to cheat on a pan of chocolate chip cookies.  I didn't have the chips on hand, but, a bag of Hershey's kisses, instead.  I planned to use the Tollhouse 'summer' recipe.  That's where, rather than making individual cookies, you spread all the batter out on a baking sheet and bake it as bars.  Spread into the baking pan and bake at 375 for 20-25 minutes.  It does fit on just one sheet, by the way.  One pan, done!  This cuts down on the amount of cooking time, thus, the oven isn't heating the house during the summer.  With the larger kisses, I wasn't sure how this was going to turn out.  After spreading the chipless batter in the sheet pan, I set the kisses on top of the batter in rows as they would be cut after baking.  When I went to take them out of the oven, the kisses were gone!  They had sunk down below the batter during the baking process.  What looked like a 'blonde' brownie, was a bar that, when you bit into it, you got a bite of the chocolatey goodness of the kiss.  They were a hit!  My family named them, "Hidden Kisses".  Ta-da!  A tradition?  What?

In spite of all the years of effort, as it turned out, difficult back problems, the children growing up and going out on their own, and changes in my financial situation, cutting back was a necessity.  I can't stand that long to do all the baking and cooking.  I've had to find 'financial' shortcuts or dismiss whatever it is I am planning.  The divinity is a thing of the past, thank goodness!  It just never turned out right.

The children weren't little anymore.  They didn't require the mystery and magic that we so tediously defended when they were little.  With all of us no longer waking up in the same house together on Christmas morning, we began having "brunch", late morning, on Christmas day.  Everyone wakes up and does their thing, having coffee, perhaps.  Then, everyone comes over, including the grandparents when they were still with us, as well as any friend who may be alone, that day.  Each of us brings something for the brunch.  We give the presents out and share gifts with all.  Then, everyone visits, plays with the little ones and their new presents and pigs out on sausages, ham, bacon, fruit, eggs, grits, fresh-made donuts, bagels, lox, coffee, of course, and fresh orange juice.  By doing this, too, it leaves the remainder of the day open for those who have to split their day between visiting with others, like inlaws.  Usually, by evening, it is a wonderful time for us to get back together and have a slice of pie.  Dinner has been hours ago and everyone is winding down.  We reflect on our day and it is good.  It just seems to cap off the day nicely.  More 'traditions'?

  As they've grown older, the children have begun taking on some of the baking, cooking and decorating, even.  So, as their childhood 'needs' from the holidays began to wane, their ability to join in on all the preparations and planning grew.  One daughter has been seeing to the Christmas tree each year.  It's what she likes.  She also puts up exterior lights every year.  Another daughter loves to bake.  She is a great cook.  She began taking on some of the goody baking.  My physical dis-ability wasn't going to keep this family from eating goodies.  Little by little, the children were stepping in to the roles of, yet, more, uh, alright, traditions. 

Our Christmases aren't Norman Rockwell or greeting card perfect.  For that fact, they're aren't very spiritual, either.  We used to try to go to midnight mass on Christmas eve.  All that happened was that we were so tired, by that time, we were just dragging ourselves through the motions.  But, part of what made one child tired was her time volunteering in the local soup kitchen to make sure that someone, who was less fortunate, had a decent, warm  meal, made with care and love.  My son would be tired from spending time with his friends, often lending a hand to someone in need.  He is a mechanic and someone is always needing his services during the holidays, particularly.  The other child was tired out from playing Santa, wrapping presents and decorating for her children, as well as for my house.  Both houses have to look magickal, you know.  

I'm finally starting to see all this, now.  I see that we do have our traditions.  They're just not 'traditional' traditions.  There may not be mistletoe hanging over my doorway, but, you can bet there are hugs and kisses and love to go around.  So the tree is tiny and sparse, my grandchildren's eyes still light up when they see it.  So, the rolls at dinner were not what I wanted from the store, they were good enough.  We aren't the traditional family of lore, much less advertising.  Norman didn't know any of us.  Our late morning gift-sharing may not work best for the little ones.  Their 'Santa' gift opening is done at home before they come to gramma's for brunch.  But, they are still so excited and happy while opening all the presents from the family.  We all love watching them.  This is where we parents and grandparents get our joy, in watching our offspring enjoy the holidays.

All the years I have spent chasing a fantasy.  I thought I wanted a real, old-fashioned, traditional Christmas, like in the Norman Rockwell's painting.  Here it is:

  
That isn't my family around the table in the painting.  We live in a different time.  We're more a contemporary family, going with new ideas.  We're a fun-loving group of folks who love to joke around.  We have a l-o-o-o-n-g list of family 'inside jokes', which can be summoned up in a mere word, eliciting a round of giggles and chuckles.  I feel we're pretty laid back as a family.  We don't do much 'formality", yet, we can when need be.  The song that inspired me to write is kind of a kooky song.  It's from a National Lampoon movie, for crying out loud!  LOL  It's fun and lively, rather than carol-ish or juvenile.

Our 'traditions' change.  There are a few that stay with us.  Otherwise, as we grow and people change, times change, and even tastes change, it seems we have adjusted or altered one thing for another.  My son married a wonderful girl with four children this year.  So, this will be the first Christmas that we will celebrate with my "new grandchildren".  Some things are bound to change.  I look forward to it!  I can't believe I am writing this, but, I look forward to the holidays this year.

If anyone is interested...

Oh, Boy! Here We Go!

Jessica is at it again!  LOL  I speak of Jessica Sprague, first lady of creating one's life stories.  Jessica is a sunny, friendly sort, who offers online courses to boost one's skills at documenting the stories and images of our lives and those of our loved ones.  Earlier this year she offered a free course to give folks a taste of her art and her courses.  That course, "Stories in Hand", was an intense look inside ourselves to bring forth the 'stories' that have made us who we are today.  She offered formats for documenting and designs to aid in presenting the stories, along with photos, if so desired.

Well, now she has offered a course called, "Holidays in Hand".  I gotta tell ya.  The first course proved to be quite an emotional journey.  I really struggled with the telling of some of my stories.  Either, there were unsolved issues coming forth, or I was just aflood with emotion.  I'd say a little of both.  However, it did me good to bring up the memories and re-evaluate them.  Finding that I can remember, cry, whatever, but, then, I can return to the 'here and now' and not be lost in my memories, has kept me going.  I used to be terrified of my memories.  After the course earlier this year, this of the past.  But, now, we tackle the 'holidays'.

The holidays are real bad for me.  My birthday is two days before Christmas.  I have such sad thoughts of birthdays spent in hotel rooms on the road to visit relatives for Christmas.  The year I got the 'like-real' kitchen set.  It was, "Look at the great little kitchen set Santa got you!  Okay, now, go get in the car.  You can play with it when we get back from holiday."  Then, there were the kids at school who got to celebrate their birthdays during the school year.  When little, their moms would come to the school and bring cupcakes and punch.  All the other kids would honor you for the half hour, at least.  Not when your birthday is during Christmas break!

Those aren't the only reasons.  When I married and had a family of my own, it always seemed to be such a hardship at holiday time.  There was never enough money.  The things I wanted to get the kids, things the other kids were asking for, were so expensive.  We often settled for knock-offs that never worked right.  Many years, I stood in lines at charities, waiting to receive a bag of groceries or a box of generic toys to give the kids for Christmas.  Divorce brought it's own set of difficulties, until the year, out of spite, the kids' daddy made them sit on a sofa over at his girlfriend's parent's house, watching the others opening presents, just to keep them from being with me.  They never went to him again at Christmas, but, that was mainly because he split the state.  He remained a 'dead-beat dad', owing his children over $100,000.00 in arrearages, until the day he died, which was at an age younger than mine.  Nothing, though, was as bad as the Christmas morning the children had to put me in the hospital.  In my dire state of depression and anguish, I had over-medicated myself on some meds that were not good to do that with.  I spent that day and the entire week up to New Year's Eve in a mental hospital in another town, nearby.  Seemed the local unit was full. 

Bitter about the holidays?  Who? Me?  Jessica, my god, girl!  You're gonna kill me!  LOL  Truth be told, I believe this is just what I need to be doing.  I need to face this 'phobia' for the holiday season.  I have already begun going into depression mode.

So, with that, here, as to Jessica's Assignments, is # 1:

Values and Goals:

My personal values are family, home, togetherness, friendship, charity, and peace.  Though we are each others' sounding boards and we often share bad times, I want everyone to be close and to get along.  The outside world is such a chaotic place.  Home should be a place where you know what to expect and to be with those people who accept you as you are.  It should feel safe and there should be togetherness.  The grandchildren should not think it odd that Uncle Nick and Aunt Danielle stopped over.  I like it that it is the 'norm'.  We are a very close-knit family.  It's really just us, the children, their significant others and/or children and me.  I have brothers and sisters as well as there being contact between my children and their daddy's siblings.  We have friends who come year after year.  But, overall, it is mainly just us when it comes to the holidays.  

Since the children are grown, now, it is becoming more frequent that one of them states the plans or makes a suggestion.  The rest of us usually go along, often adding our own suggestions.  With the responsibility of the holidays being shared by others besides myself, perhaps, it won't be as hard, this year.  I'm willing to sit down with the family and express my concerns.  Inviting any or all of them to take over certain aspects will be a welcome relief.  I have to make my needs known, though.  They are used to me trying to call the shots, so, I need to tell them I need their help.

A big part of my hesitation at this time of year is in not knowing how much, or how little, I should, or can, do.  I don't know what I can do, but, I want it to be nice.  Then, I get caught up in that and throw up my hands.  I had to cut back on my expectations at Christmas time a long time ago.  Last year, short of having everyone over on Christmas morning, we did nothing else.  I have to find a happy medium.  I have to.  When I find a place where I am comfortable with the amount of doings and the expense, then, maybe, the holidays won't be so bad for me.

I'm hopeful!  I signed up for this course with a little hesitation.  I know it won't be an easy route.  Nothing worth learning is easy.  But, I believe with all my heart that, finding an even keel for me in this part of my life, will only make things better.  The family should benefit, as well.

Sunday Morning Going Down

Sunday mornings have always felt so 'down home' for me.  There is something about pajamas on the warm, sunny floor, funny papers spread out and the smell of bacon frying that screams "HOME", eh? 

Growing up, my father slept late, his only late sleep all week.  He had a small business and kept long hours.  Momma would fix a big breakfast.  During the week, we had cereal or a pastry, a 'cold' breakfast, of sorts.  The big breakfast was always a treat.  Pancakes were really special.  Otherwise, it was eggs and grits and, either bacon or sausage.

When I went out and had a family of my own, Sundays remained the lazy, 'care for your soul' day.  Taking it easy, or, doing yard work, we were all together.  Our day always ended with a feast, usually of chicken, beans and rice, greens, corn bread, etc, all prepared, with pride, by my husband.  That man sure could cook!

On special occasions, when the whole family was together, we would have brunch.  Christmas and Thanksgiving were good days for this.  We all got together in the late morning, visited and pigged out.  Then, as family duties called, the afternoons were free to make one's own plans, dinner at the other in-laws or a trip out of town, perhaps.  We just had so many people with so many different plans, I took advantage of the morning hours to share our family time.

Our favorite breakfast fare was the main feature, other than gifts shared, if it was a holiday.  Everyone loves cocktail smokies and pastries, so, these were basics.  A few of these years, we were able to find our local Krispy Kreme donut shop open and had a box of warm, glazed yummy.  There would be a large pan of scrambled eggs, bacon, cheese grits, and, of course, coffee and orange juice.  Eventually, bagels and lox made an appearance as one of my dad's favorites.  And, so, that was the usual fare.  It worked for our family very well. 

Things are not quite the same, anymore.  All the children are grown and have their own families.  Mom and dad are no longer with us.  I stepped into my role as 'family matriarch', if you will, rather reluctantly.  But, we needed to carry on and I felt it was up to me.  We manage pretty well.  The children are more involved in the plans, so, that helps me.  Sunday mornings are sure quiet sometimes, though.

This morning, this was on my mind as I thought about what each of the children were doing.  My son and his family are probably lazing around, watching television, deciding if they should go wet a line or not.  My oldest daughter is probably at work.  She's a paramedic and is very active in all kinds of things.  Her hubby is probably sleeping.  He's a sheriff's deputy and works graveyard shift.  My youngest daughter and her two children spent the night over at a friend's house.  The Gators played last evening and they partied for the game.  She stays put when she does this.  So, it was too quiet around here.  I decided to make myself a big breakfast to liven things up a bit.

Now, don't get me wrong.  I am not lonely.  For one with all grown children, my family is always around.  My youngest, with the two children, lives here.  My son, his wife and any of their children are over here, at least, twice a week, if not more.  So, I am never lonely!  Far from it.  I am blessed!  LOL

This morning, though, after running fever for a few days with this awful flu, I was hungry.  I stuck a potato in the microwave oven for a minute or so.  This only starts the cooking process.  (Don't overcook.  Leftover baked potatoes are good used for this.)  Then, without burning my fingers, I cut it up into small bite-sized pieces, aka, home fries, hash browns, "insert regional name".  I course-cut chopped an entire small onion.  Then, I put potatoes and onions into melted margarine in a small skillet.  Some lemon-pepper seasoning and sea salt and let it simmer/fry at a medium-low heat for about 20 minutes, turning them often, and, wallah!  LOL  Home fries, a couple of pieces of smoked sausage, with maple syrup for dipping, and a fried egg and I was in pure bliss.

So, now I sit, all sated and sassy.  I'm debating as to whether to take a nap or work on some design, since it is so quiet in the house.  By my own actions, I revisited some memorable feelings, this morning.  It was a nice visit.  My memories, like most folks, are cherished, good or bad.  They are what define us as individuals.  They build our character.  I often find I dwell too much in the past.  I regret things and rehash how something may or may not have gone differently.  Same old script.  But, taking a trip to my past, today, in a sort of short visit there, and coming back to the present, gives me hope that there will always be brighter days.  I cherish those Sunday mornings.  I have fond memories. 

Now, about that nap...

The Crone

It nearly escaped me, recently, that the 7th of this month, November, was the anniversary of my mother's passing.  I think it is 13 years.  It isn't that I don't care, I just don't like to think of her death.  I keep her 'alive' in my heart, so, as far as I'm concerned, she's right here.  What nearly escaped me was the significance to something I just went through.  I should explain.

My spiritual journey has led me down a path wherein I learn something new all the time.  It's exciting!  My interests in mother nature, the realm where goddesses and angels and other spiritual entities, exist if you so wish, have me following the "Wheel of the Year" calender, which celebrates different times of the year by the agrarian cycle.  Winter, starts with Samhain, celebrating the preparation for settling down for the winter, with hopes for an early and prosperous spring.  It is celebrated much like Thanksgiving.

Another spiritual event, if you want to call it that, is the celebration of the "crone".  In a woman's life cycle, she passes through three different phases, if you will.  She is the maiden from birth until mensus.  Her childbearing years, she is the mother.  After menus ceases, the crone comes in.  In olden cultures, the older women were venerated for their wisdom and experience.  The title was never meant to be derogatory.  It was, rather, a title of distinction.

I gave this considerable thought since, in my own situation, I am re-evaluating my role, once again.  That is a never-ending thing, it seems.  LOL  I fought it tooth and nail, but, I am just going to have to accept my role as the hands-on granny.  I raised my family!  I didn't want to have to do it again.  But, my daughter needs help, right now.  She is stressed out something awful!  So, here I am, they live with me, now.  The children are trying to adapt to it all, but, it's hard for them, too.  All of the sudden, Granny is 'in the house'.  LOL  Sometimes, they try to play on that, and other times, it backfires all to hell on them.

Anyway, in this line of thinking, it occurred to me that, if I had given my daughter better tools, she would not be having some of the issues.  Okay, I'm not beating myself up.  It's just that, well, why does it take until you're old before you realise what you should have done when you were young?!

So, figuring out that I need to be a role model for the young ones, guiding them in the right direction, gave me strength.  It was as though my being 'needed', so to speak, enabled me to feel better about my, er, 'retirement'.  I'll get a chance to do the things I want to do, when I want to do them, at a later date.  For now, I'm still needed.  I'm a little dense, ya'll.

On that note, I read somewhere about a 'croning'.  It is a ceremony in which a woman is honored and greeted into her new role.  Here's an excerpt from Crystalinks.com, which does a better job than I at explaining it.

The triple moon is a Goddess symbol that represents the Maiden, Mother, and Crone as the waxing, full, and waning moon. It is also associated with feminine energy, mystery and psychic abilities. You often see this symbol on crowns or other head-pieces, particularly worn by High Priestesses.

The Maiden represents enchantment, inception, expansion, the female principle, the promise of new beginnings, youth, excitement, and a carefree erotic aura. The Maiden in Greek Mythology is Persephone - purity - and a representation of new beginnings. Other maiden goddesses include: Brigid, Nimue, among others.

The Mother represents ripeness, fertility, fulfillment, stability, and power. The Mother Goddess in Greek mythology is Demeter, representing wellspring of life, giving and compassionate. Other mother goddesses include: Aa, Ambika, Ceres, Astarte, Lakshmi.

 

The Crone represents wisdom, repose, and compassion. The Crone in Greek mythology is Hecate - wise, knowing, a culmination of a lifetime of experience. Crone goddesses include: Hel, Maman Brigitte, Oya, Sedna, Skuld, and others. ~ Crystalinks.com

From there, I found another site written by a lady who is keeping a journal, sort of, on aging for women in this country in this time.  She writes quite a bit about croning ceremonies.  The website is Blessed Day and the lady is Judy Singleton.  Appearantly, with Baby Boomers coming into their 'senior years', women have been celebrating their age with similar rituals.  One, Judi wrote about, was a ceremony performed at the beach for a woman by her friends.  She was honored with flowers and candles were lit.  They dined and drank wine, then, there were some words said and gifts were given.  I thought it sounded cool.  Only, I chose to do mine alone.  It doesn't matter.  What matters is that you are comfortable in your own skin.

It was coming upon Samhain, which is the same time as Halloween, just the day after.  The connection between the two is that during Samhain, which is the 'new year' in this calender, the veil between the etherial realm and earth is supposedly at it's thinnest.  At this time, spirits of the deceased could cross over for a visit, but, so could demonic entities.  The people would disguise themselves against the evil ones in hopes of being left be.  That is where the 'costume' ritual comes from in our Halloween.

Sice the full moon was the day after Samhain, I chose that day,or evening.  The crone is represnted by the waning moon, so, I waited until after the full moon to do my ceremony.  The following is an excerpt from a letter to some close friends and supporters of mine:

I wrote some poetry that took the place of chants or 'majick words'. It wasn't anything fancy, just personal. Heh-heh. I lit candles and set them around on my back deck. I burned some sage, too, but, it was almost lost outdoors. I meditated a bit, had a glass of wine, a smoke, and then, my poetry. I used a strand of "love beads"(Yes, I still have them) to symbolically be re-born through. In some of the rituals I read about when preparing to do this, the crone would crawl under and through the other's legs. In this way, there would be the inference of being born, coming out the other side.

The part that I really focused on was finding complete satisfaction in who I am. I'm older, not decrepit. I know enough to mind myself. Yet, I still do wonder about many things. I feel peace within. I no longer feel the need to prove to others what I am capable of doing. That is how my back came to be so messed up. I know what I can do, what I am capable of doing, and that is all that need know.

I miss my mother and thought about her during the preparing for and the ritual. I cried. A lot. I felt like she was there beside me. The day that my mother and I made peace with each other, was the most profound incident to happen my entire life. We 'met' for the first time, that day, not as mother and daughter, but, woman to woman. It was quite revealing. We shared a lot of the same heartbreaks and woes. We also give our all on our children, trying to do our very best for them. In spite of all that, she lived with guilt that she had let us down, somehow. How I can relate!

That day, I 'allowed' my mother to be a woman, a girl, whose dreams were different from her reality. Taking a cue from our mutual forgiving, this ritual was my time to forgive myself. I can forgive mom and mom forgave me, I should be able to forgive myself without too much problem. LOL I have done some things I am not proud of, but, I can go on living. I've always tried to give my all to someone who needs me. I believe in the Threefold Rule. I just need to learn who is actually needy.

It is the crone's role to keep the past alive and prepare us all for the future. I can do that. With a song in my heart, even! LOL I made up my mind, several years ago, to maintain a positive attitude. My goodness how this pays off! I'm finally focusing on me and it is wonderful!

It really was a symbolic, yet, meaningful experience.  I didn't even make the connection to the anniversary of mom's passing until after the ceremony.  I know why, though.  I can't accept her as 'gone' while celebrating her impact on my life.  I have to take them one at a time. 

So, Mom, if your following this blog, in between your Barbara Cartland romance novels, here's one for you.  I really do appreciate your role, now!  I love you, Momma!