Oh, Boy! Here We Go!

Jessica is at it again!  LOL  I speak of Jessica Sprague, first lady of creating one's life stories.  Jessica is a sunny, friendly sort, who offers online courses to boost one's skills at documenting the stories and images of our lives and those of our loved ones.  Earlier this year she offered a free course to give folks a taste of her art and her courses.  That course, "Stories in Hand", was an intense look inside ourselves to bring forth the 'stories' that have made us who we are today.  She offered formats for documenting and designs to aid in presenting the stories, along with photos, if so desired.

Well, now she has offered a course called, "Holidays in Hand".  I gotta tell ya.  The first course proved to be quite an emotional journey.  I really struggled with the telling of some of my stories.  Either, there were unsolved issues coming forth, or I was just aflood with emotion.  I'd say a little of both.  However, it did me good to bring up the memories and re-evaluate them.  Finding that I can remember, cry, whatever, but, then, I can return to the 'here and now' and not be lost in my memories, has kept me going.  I used to be terrified of my memories.  After the course earlier this year, this of the past.  But, now, we tackle the 'holidays'.

The holidays are real bad for me.  My birthday is two days before Christmas.  I have such sad thoughts of birthdays spent in hotel rooms on the road to visit relatives for Christmas.  The year I got the 'like-real' kitchen set.  It was, "Look at the great little kitchen set Santa got you!  Okay, now, go get in the car.  You can play with it when we get back from holiday."  Then, there were the kids at school who got to celebrate their birthdays during the school year.  When little, their moms would come to the school and bring cupcakes and punch.  All the other kids would honor you for the half hour, at least.  Not when your birthday is during Christmas break!

Those aren't the only reasons.  When I married and had a family of my own, it always seemed to be such a hardship at holiday time.  There was never enough money.  The things I wanted to get the kids, things the other kids were asking for, were so expensive.  We often settled for knock-offs that never worked right.  Many years, I stood in lines at charities, waiting to receive a bag of groceries or a box of generic toys to give the kids for Christmas.  Divorce brought it's own set of difficulties, until the year, out of spite, the kids' daddy made them sit on a sofa over at his girlfriend's parent's house, watching the others opening presents, just to keep them from being with me.  They never went to him again at Christmas, but, that was mainly because he split the state.  He remained a 'dead-beat dad', owing his children over $100,000.00 in arrearages, until the day he died, which was at an age younger than mine.  Nothing, though, was as bad as the Christmas morning the children had to put me in the hospital.  In my dire state of depression and anguish, I had over-medicated myself on some meds that were not good to do that with.  I spent that day and the entire week up to New Year's Eve in a mental hospital in another town, nearby.  Seemed the local unit was full. 

Bitter about the holidays?  Who? Me?  Jessica, my god, girl!  You're gonna kill me!  LOL  Truth be told, I believe this is just what I need to be doing.  I need to face this 'phobia' for the holiday season.  I have already begun going into depression mode.

So, with that, here, as to Jessica's Assignments, is # 1:

Values and Goals:

My personal values are family, home, togetherness, friendship, charity, and peace.  Though we are each others' sounding boards and we often share bad times, I want everyone to be close and to get along.  The outside world is such a chaotic place.  Home should be a place where you know what to expect and to be with those people who accept you as you are.  It should feel safe and there should be togetherness.  The grandchildren should not think it odd that Uncle Nick and Aunt Danielle stopped over.  I like it that it is the 'norm'.  We are a very close-knit family.  It's really just us, the children, their significant others and/or children and me.  I have brothers and sisters as well as there being contact between my children and their daddy's siblings.  We have friends who come year after year.  But, overall, it is mainly just us when it comes to the holidays.  

Since the children are grown, now, it is becoming more frequent that one of them states the plans or makes a suggestion.  The rest of us usually go along, often adding our own suggestions.  With the responsibility of the holidays being shared by others besides myself, perhaps, it won't be as hard, this year.  I'm willing to sit down with the family and express my concerns.  Inviting any or all of them to take over certain aspects will be a welcome relief.  I have to make my needs known, though.  They are used to me trying to call the shots, so, I need to tell them I need their help.

A big part of my hesitation at this time of year is in not knowing how much, or how little, I should, or can, do.  I don't know what I can do, but, I want it to be nice.  Then, I get caught up in that and throw up my hands.  I had to cut back on my expectations at Christmas time a long time ago.  Last year, short of having everyone over on Christmas morning, we did nothing else.  I have to find a happy medium.  I have to.  When I find a place where I am comfortable with the amount of doings and the expense, then, maybe, the holidays won't be so bad for me.

I'm hopeful!  I signed up for this course with a little hesitation.  I know it won't be an easy route.  Nothing worth learning is easy.  But, I believe with all my heart that, finding an even keel for me in this part of my life, will only make things better.  The family should benefit, as well.